Ever have one of those “I’ll have what she’s having” moments?
Years ago I went to a workshop at a wellness center in Manhattan. This was during my “dark night of the soul” period. I felt shredded – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.
The workshop was billed as a “spa day.” The topic was feminine energy.
This will be fun, I thought. I remember telling Leland, “I’m going to be doing my hair or something.”
When the leader walked in and sat down, I was blown away.
Her power. Her presence. Her magnetism.
I’ll have what she’s having.
Within the first 5 minutes she told us the secret, without ever addressing the idea of power directly.
Boundaries. Rock-solid-yet-flexible (and-no-that’s-not-an-oxymoron) boundaries.
Most of us are empathic. Then we’re conditioned to be all things to all people. To be “nice,” to people please, to do it all, you name it.
Then add our info-overload, energetically saturated, go-go-go culture. Plus a shot of genuine, soul-led ambition (aka Desire) to the mix, and what have you got?
Massive, ongoing leaks, drains and pulls on our energy field.
We come to manifesting and magical practice and wake up to the beautiful truth that most of the limits we live with are just not true. However, here in 3D reality – we have to contend with TWO limited resources: linear time, and life force energy.
Yes, we can manage and increase our energy, but only to a point. With linear time, we all get the same amount in a day. When it’s gone, it’s gone.
Not only that… when we start to put ourselves out there, we attract energy coming AT us: love from our fans, anger from the people we’ve triggered the sh*t out of, ever-growing demands on our attention, and a LOT more.
And guess what? Those time-and-energy pulls and nips and tugs and hi-jacks only INCREASE as you amp up your light.
So what do you do? Dim your light? Hold back your purpose?
That may be your default. Defaults tend to have HUGE consequences, like dying with the music still inside you. #blunt #sorrynotsorry
How about cast a spell on whoever’s getting you down?
Nope. That’s not the solution either.
Set boundaries. Rock-solid-yet-flexible boundaries.
Boundaries are magic. Here’s the secret to shoring up yours… so you can banish those time and energy vampires for good:
Get a handle on the biggest boundary pusher of all: YOU.
I say this with love. 🙂
Boundaries all start by taking a good hard look at what you’ve been willing to tolerate. If you have unwanted people and energies in your field, understand it’s because on some level, you’ve invited them in.
Remember The Lost Boys? That (sorta) bad vampire movie from the 80’s? The vampires can’t come in unless you invite them in. #happilydatingmyself
What are you making yourself available for?
Here are just a few of the things in my life and business that I am no longer available for:
- Coaching, healing or feedback that I didn’t ask for
- Offers to be my coach or healer that I didn’t ask for (funny how these always include feedback that I didn’t ask for!)
- Long, drawn-out enrollment conversations
- Enrollment conversations with less-than-ideal clients
- Coaching people who do not want to change
- Payment plans on high-end programs (we are eliminating these – kudos to Leonie Dawson for the idea)
- Late payments or missed payments on our courses and communities
- Payment negotiations of any kind
- Clients, vendors and team members not adhering to policies
- Team members not documenting their work and causing chaos later
- Inefficiency (time and money wasting)
- Drama of any kind
- Attention-seeking of any kind
- Guilt trips
- Power trips; passive-aggressive attempts to control or cut down
- Time hijacking (their emergency somehow requires me to upend my whole day)
We can’t hold boundaries when we don’t know what they are. So ask yourself…
What am I available for?
What am I NOT available for?
It really helps to list this out, because most of the time, we’re running around on autopilot.
For example, recently one of our clients brought a common issue to our Facebook community: she was having dozens of 90 minute conversations with people who all said, “I’d love to… but I don’t have the money.” She was a little surprised when I suggested that she did NOT have to actually sit through calls with people who have no intention of paying her. (She’s not the first.)
After you make your lists, ask this magic question…
“What do I need to shift within myself to release, clear and banish what I am no longer available for?”
I know. I know. This is not a fun question. But it is a necessary one.
If we want the boundaries pushers to stop, we have to understand how they are responding to energy that we are projecting OUT, in the form of our thoughts, feelings and actions.
So you may have to START:
- Qualifying your clients more stringently before you get on the phone
- Release team members who can’t or won’t meet your expectations
- Hang out with people who have already achieved what you wish to accomplish
- Take clear steps to raise your confidence
- Have conversations where you set clear boundaries
You may have to STOP:
- Answering your own email or FB messages
- Reading your FB or Twitter feed, outside of certain hours
- Giving people a zillion chances
- Wasting time on calls
- Tolerating team that are not an energetic match… and release them
Where you are engaging in the behaviors yourself?
- Are YOU saying “I can’t afford it?” on sales calls?
- Do YOU hem and haw over decisions, especially around investing in yourself?
- Do YOU engage in negativity, needy behavior, drama or attention-seeking? (These behaviors can masquerade as other things. For example, repeated defaulting on payments is a form of attention-seeking.)
No judgment. This is about being aware so you can make new choices. Which brings us to the most important one of all…
STOP ENGAGING in the situations that you no longer wish to experience.
We attract what we put out there. Engage the unwanted and you keep it around.
- If someone is playing the “one foot in, one foot out” game with you… and you continue to have conversations with them…
- If someone is giving you excuse after excuse on why they’re not paying you… and you continue to give them service…
- If a team member shows you time after time that they do not or will not follow your rules… and you’re still working with them…
- If you give yourself sacred commitments (that you’ll make these 5 phone calls, get up to exercise, etc)… and yet energize your resistance more than the result…
It’s not a mystery why the unwanted situation and behaviors keep showing up.
The best way to banish time and energy vampires is to BE the one who is not available for time and energy vampires.
Think of someone über-successful that you admire. Maybe Oprah. #classicexample
Think about Oprah’s energy field. Do you think she gets a lot of people nipping at her energy and pushing her boundaries?
Probably not. Because her energy is… Oprah.
She can’t engage. She doesn’t have time to engage. She wouldn’t be as successful if she did.
Spend some time watching Oprah. You can model her energy. If you’re not sure how to BE the one who doesn’t tolerate bullsh*t in her space, take your cues from those who already ARE.
Best part? This no-bullsh*t energy is actually pretty yummy to be in. I guarantee your clients are craving it… and they will follow your lead.
Years ago, my very first coach taught me a powerful lesson. A woman had been emailing me, poking at my boundaries, pushing my not-enough and need-to-be-liked hot buttons, making me doubt myself.
My coach, Helen, said, “People know how they can get to you.”
Her next assignment? That I stop answering my own email. But the bigger lesson was in understanding what I was allowing in through my engagement with the behavior and attachment to how the behavior was making me feel. Attachment to drama, negative situations, feeling less-than.
What attachments and engagements are YOU ready to release?
What will that open you up to receive instead?
BONUS: How To Set Powerful Boundaries With Others In 3 Steps:
- Start by making a clear request regarding the BEHAVIOR that doesn’t work for you: “Our policy is that payments are to be made on time. I’m going to ask you to stop allowing your credit card to bounce.”
- Set a boundary that YOU can control. “If it happens again, I’m going to remove you from the program.”
- Follow through. Without “charge,” drama or making a big thing of it.